Oregon Dune

So this summer I’ve decided to try to read as many of Frank Herbert’s Dune novels as I can (there are six, the first three of which are regarded as classics, plus around a billion written by his son, Brian Herbert, from notes he found in his dad’s garage). I’ve been trying to get through the first book since I was in fifth grade and the bizarre and not too successful movie adaptation came out. A couple years ago, I made it halfway through on Kindle (on my phone, which is pretty impressive). This time I’m ready.

Why am I telling you this, other than the fact that I haven’t talked about painfully nerdy stuff for several weeks now? Well, Dune was published in 1965 and was critically and commercially successful enough to have turned a lot of people on to its (at the time) radical concepts of planetary ecology; the idea that we need to pull back and pay attention to the world as a whole, because everything is connected. On the desert planet of Arrakis, the survival of its inhabitants–and by extension, the galaxy, because plot points–depends on their ability to take this holistic view.

Clearly this is something we need to do here, now. As on Arrakis, the summer on Earth is again displaying record temperatures, along with drought, wildfires and unprecedented heat-related deaths. The macro is coming back to haunt the micro (which is us. We’re the micro).

As I read about the characters in Dune trying to survive the alien desert with its extreme lack of moisture, I keep seeing warnings about the heat wave coming to us here in the Willamette Valley this week. I wanted to reiterate the warning and share some tips on how to prepare for the coming heat.

According to the highly diverting Department of Homeland Security website Ready.gov (which also contains helpful hints about tsunamis, shooters, pandemics and nuclear explosions but not, sadly, zombies), here are the basics:

  • If your home is not air conditioned, find places to go that are. Work in a state office, like me! Or, go to the public library, the mall, anywhere you can spend some time safely during the hottest hours.
  • Drink lots of water. Like seriously. You know you don’t drink enough as it is. Drink water before you feel you need to, because in this kind of weather you are already dehydrated if you feel thirsty.
  • DO NOT leave pets or children in an enclosed car. We know that, right? It goes triple this week. Check frequently on children and elderly. Make sure your neighbors are prepared.
  • Eat popsicles. Not on the website, but that’s because I think it was scrubbed by the incoming administration.

Be safe, folks. See you next week. And watch for wormsign!

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Parenting in the Bubble

It’s science time at the Parenting Success Network blog. That’s right: that means it’s time to take to the internet and google (it’s what we used to do before we started talking to Siri, but after we went to the library and pulled out the Reader’s Guide to Periodical Literature) “parenting.”

Somewhat disappointingly, this blog is not the first thing to come up in the search results, even in my own google bubble.  Although, here’s what does come up for me: “NPR readers share their best parenting advice,” and “Kim Kardashian West asks Kylie Jenner for baby advice.” I don’t really know what to say. Anyway, the heavy hitters are all on page one here. Parenting.com, good job with the brand management.

Wikipedia, just below it, defines “parenting” according to the democratic will of the (internet-abled) human race: “Parenting or child rearing is the process of promoting and supporting the physicalemotionalsocial, and intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood. Parenting refers to the intricacies of raising a child aside from the biological relationship.” This is an accurate and utterly uninteresting encapsulation. More intriguingly, however, it goes on to say:

“Parenting styles vary by historical time period, race/ethnicity, social class, and other social features. Additionally, research has supported that parental history both in terms of attachments of varying quality as well as parental psychopathology, particularly in the wake of adverse experiences, can strongly influence parental sensitivity and child outcomes.”

Okay. So in other words, the quality of parenting depends on a lot of different things. What were we born with? What have we lived through, and what did we take with us? How many other things get our attention, energy, concentrated will? No wonder there are so many parenting blogs. Sheesh.

Most interesting, though, are the questions that those who come before us have asked; the search engine equivalent to the stones cast at the feet of the Omphalos of Delphi (a situation I may have just completely made up). Here are some of the top questions:

“What is a bad parent?”

This one kind of breaks my heart, not only because I don’t like to think about how bad my parenting is, but because I picture someone typing this question into the search field after having been accused of being one. A better question: “What is a good parent?” It goes back to that thing about the google bubble.

“What does it mean to be a parent?”

This is a good question, because it could be practical or purely philosophical. Clicking through brings up that pesky Wikipedia entry as well as one from, randomly, The Ministry of Education in Guyana.

“What are the parenting skills?”

No, really, what are the skills?

According to the Leelanau Children’s Center, which has been “serving families since 1976,” they are these:

  1. Love and affection.
  2. Stress Management.
  3. Relationship Skills.
  4. Autonomy and Independence.
  5. Education and Learning.
  6. Life Skills.
  7. Behavior Management.
  8. Health.
  9. Religion.
  10. Safety.

So, all the things, basically. It’s a lot to take in.

Kind of makes you want to google something, doesn’t it?

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What’s So Funny?

I remember the first time one of my children made a joke. My eldest daughter was barely a year old. She placed an empty bowl, with firm deliberation, upside down on her head, and said, “Hat?”

Now they all groan at what they have identified as “dad jokes.” Or as the youngest one syllogises, “Dad jokes are bad jokes. Are all bad jokes dad jokes?”

I love that they want to talk about comedy, about how it’s made. The middle one asked me, “What makes a joke a joke?” We worked it through together:

 

A joke is a joke if:

a. You meant it to be funny; AND

b. Someone else takes it to be funny.

If b. but not a., it’s probably not nice to laugh.

Corollary: if b. but not a., you as the (non)joker reserves the right to later use it as a joke, on purpose.

If a. and not b., it is probably not a good joke (unless your Dad tells it, in which case his judgement is gold).

If a. AND b., it’s officially a joke.

 

Humor and child development are like this. Sorry, you can’t see my fingers stuck together.

When your child suddenly finds peek-a-boo hilarious, you know that they’ve crossed a cognitive threshold: object permanence has moved into place. The child understands that it’s you, still existing, behind your hand, and finds your futile attempt to hide hilariously pathetic.

At least, that’s how I understand it.

 

Later, as verbal and logical functioning revs up to higher levels, more sophisticated jokes, based on discrepancies between facts and perceptions, come into play.

I knew a 10 year-old who found this joke so brilliant she repeated it with maddening regularity: “Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One said, ‘Is it getting hot in here?’ The other said, ‘Oh my god! It’s a talking muffin!'” That one stayed funny for a while.

 

Now in my house we’re going meta, discussing joke mechanics.

And just last week my oldest, now 13, left a note for my on top of the dinner dishes:

Hurrgh rurg arrook (Wookie for “I love you”).

 

Not as good as the one about the hat, but how could you top that?

 

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Summer in Albany

This week’s post is by guest contributor Jessica Magnani, who compiled this information on free and low-cost Summer events for families in Albany. Last week she gave us activities in Corvallis. Thanks again, Jessica!

Concerts in the Park

Monteith RiverPark

489 Water Avenue NW
Albany, OR

July 9- Paul Revere’s Raiders (oldies rock)

July 16- Razzvio (electric string pop)

July 23- Eagle eyes (eagles tribute band)

July 30- The High Street Band (swing, funk)

 

Festival Latino

Sunday, July 29

12-4 PM

Monteith Riverpark

  • Food
  • Entertainment
  • Children’s Activities
  • Cultural performances
  • Health and resource fair

 

Fun in the Park!

Free! All ages. Wednesdays, 10 AM- 12 PM

Diggin with Dinos- 6/27- Doug Killin Park: Excavating dinosaurs, crafting your own puppets, and playing prehistoric games.

Trains, Trucks and Tires- 7/11- Kinder Park: Build your own mini ride and then compete in a racecar showdown!

The great outdoors- 7/18- Bryant Park: Digging for bugs, learning about poisonous plants and lots of water/forest activities. Come prepared!

Secrets of the sea- 7/25- Lexington Park: Learning about the high seas through crafts, games, and science experiments!

Passport to adventure- 8/1- Takena Park: International obstacle course, trivia, crafts, and interactive story time!

Everyday heroes- 8/8- Gibson Hill Park: Come meet local heroes and get to know how their jobs help our community. Crafts, obstacle courses, and games!

Movin’ Music- 8/15-Timber Linn Park: Celebrate the end of summer with a community BBQ. Instruments and dance battles!

 

Albany Farmer’s Market

Saturdays, 9 AM- 1 PM

SW Ellsworth St & Southwest 4th Avenue, Albany, OR 97321

Stretch your SNAP benefits by shopping for fresh foods at the Albany Farmers Market!

While most of Oregon Farmers’ markets accept SNAP benefits, many also offer a matching program, which doubles SNAP purchases dollar for dollar up to a certain amount — meaning you could get $10 worth of food for only $5 from your SNAP account.

 

Art & Air Festival

August 24-26, 2018

Timber Linn Park

Watch hot air balloons take off at 6:45 AM

and then enjoy a day of amazing art and food!

Each night has a different performance!

For the schedule of each day go to: http://nwartandair.org/schedule/

 

Carousel and Museum

Admission free. Ride tickets: $2

503 First Ave West

Albany, OR

Monday 10am-5pm
Tuesday Closed
Wednesday 10am-5pm
Thursday 10am-5pm
Friday 10am-5pm
Saturday 10am-7pm
Sunday 10am-5pm

 

Summer Book Sale

June 17, 2018: 11 AM- 3 PM

2450 14th Ave SE, Albany, OR

All kinds of books, DVDs and CDs:

$.50 to $3.00 each.

 

Jessica Magnani is an intern at Family Tree Relief Nursery and is completing a degree program at Oregon State University.

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Summer in Corvallis

This week’s post is by guest contributor Jessica Magnani, who compiled this information on free and low-cost Summer events for families in Corvallis. Thanks, Jessica!

 

$1 Swim Day

Osborn Aquatic Center

1940 NW Highland Dr.

Corvallis, OR 97330

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

1:00pm to 4:00pm

Celebrate Otter Beach seasonal opening on Memorial Day, cool down on Independence Day, and relax on Labor Day with a special price for open recreation!

 

Free Concerts

Corvallis Central park

650 NW Monroe Ave

Corvallis, OR 97330

Repeats every 2 weeks every Wednesday.

Wednesday, June 20, 2018 – 7:30pm

The Hilltop Big Band presents another summer of free Central Park concerts.  Bring lawn chairs and blankets.

All ages welcome.

 

Penny Carnival

Corvallis Central park

650 NW Monroe Ave

Corvallis, OR 97333

Thursday, July 26, 2018 –

1:00pm to 3:30pm

Come play and celebrate community at the annual Penny Carnival! It’s just pennies to play! We’ll have music, wacky relays, old fashioned carnival games and much more! Buy a bundle of tickets for 25 cents each at the event and each activity costs 1 ticket! Concessions available for additional fees.

 

Movie Night at Avery Park

Thursday, August 16, 2018 –

5:00pm to 10:00pm

Enjoy an outdoor cinema experience with family and friends under the stars in beautiful Avery Park. All ages welcome!

 

Chintimini BBQ & Music in the Park

Celebrate summer with a community cookout, games and great music by local folk singer Cassandra Robertson! Cassandra is a local favorite whose original melodies are meant to inspire us to dream of a future that works for all!

The live music will be a great accompaniment to the burgers, chicken and hot dogs coming off the grill, plus potato salad, fruit salad, and dessert! Vegetarian options available upon request.   

All ages welcome!

Chintimini Senior & Community Center

2601 NW Tyler Ave

Friday, August 17, 4 – 7 pm
Tickets: $8 per person

 

Hiking & Parks

  • Fitton Green: 980 NW Panorama Drive Corvallis, OR 97330
  • Central Park: 650 NW Monroe Ave, Corvallis, OR     
  • Chip Ross: NW Lester Ave, Corvallis, OR 97330
  • Bald Hill: 375 NW Monroe Ave, Corvallis, OR 97330
  • Finley Park: 26208 Finley Refuge Rd, Corvallis, OR
  • Peavy Arboretum:  NW Peavy Arboretum Rd, Corvallis,   OR 97330
  • Siuslaw Forest: 3200 SW Jefferson Way, Corvallis, OR 97331
  • Avery Park: SW Avery Park Dr, Corvallis, OR 97333
  • Jackson Frazier Wetlands: 3460 NE Canterbury Cir, Corvallis, OR 97330

 

Beginning Reading Programs on Campus

4 years old & Entering Kindergarteners: In this fun summer program, your child will learn how to read! Children will learn letter recognition, beginning phonics, and easy sight words!

1-5th grade: Your child will learn strong phonics and decoding skills, build sight vocabulary, learn how to read fluently and rapidly, and develop strong comprehension skills!

On campus: Oregon State University

4 year-old & Kindergarteners: June 24-July 22: 9 AM-10 AM

1st grade: June 24-July 22: 10:30 AM- 12:15 Pm

2nd grade: June 24-July 22: 1-2:45 PM

3rd grade: June 24-July 22: 3:15-5 PM

4th grade: June 19-July 17: 3-5 PM

5th grade: June 19-July 17: 12:30- 2:30 PM

For more information or to register, call (800)570-8936

 

Corvallis Farmers Market

The Corvallis Farmers Market happens Wednesdays and Saturdays, from 9am to 1pm, April through November, on First Street between Jackson Avenue and Monroe Avenue, in downtown Corvallis.

The Saturday Corvallis Farmers Market has a changing lineup of 50-70 vendors per week, and the Wednesday market usually offers 20-30 vendors.

 

Da Vinci Days

July 21, 2018- 10 AM- 8:30 PM

Saturday activities at the Benton County Fairgrounds run from

9 am to 8:30 pm, and will include Day 1 of the ever-popular

Grand Kinetic Challenge (pageantry, road race, and sand dune),

the Children’s Village, various exhibits by OSU and local artists and makers,

food, and great local musicians throughout the afternoon. Festival

exhibits and activities go until 4 pm, while entertainment continues

until 8:30.  As the exhibits end, grab dinner from our food vendors,

find your spot on the lawn, and enjoy the evening entertainment!

 

Second Saturday Art Days

Join the Arts Center every month for art making and

activities for the whole family.

March 10, 2018-December 08, 2018

Admission: Free

Location: The Arts Center
700 SW Madison Avenue, Corvallis, OR 97333

 

Jessica Magnani is an intern at Family Tree Relief Nursery and is completing a degree program at Oregon State University.

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The Replacement

After some reminders about the importance of self-care (including one from Parenting Success Network boss Aoife Magee), I was thinking about some of the things I’ve been trying to do for myself. As I have written–and said–countless times, we can’t fill someone else’s cup unless we have filled our own.

In case this image is not clear enough (or if you still consider your cup to be half empty), imagine sitting next to your child on an airplane. If God forbid there should be an emergency and the oxygen masks come down, whose will you attach first? If you answered “your own,” you are in the company of the approximately 2/3 of respondents I just made up. Our instinct is to meet the child’s needs before your own, so it’s natural to want to put their mask on first. However, it’s also the wrong choice. Because if something goes wrong you need to be able to help, and you can’t help if you can’t breathe.

So there. How does this apply to the day-to-day? Without plane crashes and such?

I remembered that I hadn’t told you about my new car. New to me, anyway. It’s a 1993 Toyota Tercel, and it’s pretty much so uncool that it comes back around to cool again. To say it is an improvement on my previous car, a Volvo that could allegedly not be repaired following a crash into a curb one icy day because the company no longer made the parts. I took to calling it The Death Car and refused to take on passengers unless absolutely necessary, believing it would someday kill me, Christine-style.

Thankfully, this did not happen. It did not happen because I finally resolved to replace it and finally bought the Tercel from a mechanically inclined friend who had driven it for years before passing it down to adult daughters. The Volvo I donated to my workplace, using the great company V-DAC, for which they netted $25. Sorry, workplace!

Anyway, the point of this story is that once I decided to focus time and energy (and a surprisingly small amount of money) on my own needs, namely a reliable commuter car capable of more than 8 miles per gallon, I was able to shrug off a huge burden of shame and anxiety that was interfering with my ability to parent.

Am I recommending that you go out and buy a new car, for parenting purposes? Sure, I guess. But wait, there’s more. The Tercel is a manual transmission, something I hadn’t driven in about 20 years (ask me about that someday). I have been rediscovering the joys of riding up a learning curve. Between practicing driving a stick (thanks once again to the mighty Art of Manliness blog) and taking as many different routes to and from work as I can (thanks to decent mileage), I’m keeping my brain healthy and burning some new neural pathways. And that’s a good way to fill your cup.

Also, did I mention it has a tape deck?

 

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A Chance Eating

Here’s another question that’s been coming up in my work with families:

Wh do you do if a kid just doesn’t want to eat?

I wish I had a ready answer, because it’s happening at home too. The seven year-old, now that she has (finally) been sleeping through the night again, has decided to eat only fruit (possibly from now on). And today, I hear, the 11 year-old has simply refused everything on offer. This from the girl who lists “eating” as both a personal and future professional pursuit. She just…ain’t havin’ it.

How do we deal with this as parents?

  • As usual, the first step is to ask some questions. Are they feeling okay? Any pains in the tummy or anywhere else? Do they just not like what’s on the menu, or are they not into food of any kind (watch at this step for the “only candy” loophole)?

You may not particularly want to hear their answers, but the point is that they’ll probably tell you something useful, even if by accident.  If they just don’t like your meatloaf, you can decide, ‘cuz you’re the grownup, whether to give them another option. Our newly minted fruitarian child recently went through a period of only wanting peanut butter and jelly. And I’m pretty sure you can live on that for a while, so we let it be an option at every meal. Now it’s fruit. As long as we have it, she can eat it, though we’ve pointed out she’ll need to eat a lot of it to get what she needs.

  • Ask yourself, how long has it been since they last ate? What was it?

I’m about to tell you something. It is this: if they ate at least some of their last meal, and they’re likely to eat at least some of their next, you can just…let it go. That’s right. As long as you are offering food every couple of hours, which is kind of your job, if they choose not to eat it they will be okay. Really. Because there will be food at the next meal, and they’ll probably be hungry.

  • Golly, what if they haven’t eaten in a while?

Then something is probably wrong and you need to take that kid to the doctor.

Also, what’s going on with them in general?

  • Like, are they gearing up for a growth spurt, or done with one? Are they gaining or losing teeth? What’s going on at school? What’s bothering them?

The natural default for children of all ages is to want to eat. If there is some interruption in that urge, it could be due to a variety of factors. This could be a good opportunity to problem-solve together.

Who knows? Maybe the answer is that you need to buy a new cookbook.

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Foster the People

I encounter foster parents quite a bit in my line of work. Of all the categories into which people can be sifted, I believe that foster providers have one of the bummest deals around.

I tend to approach them as fellow professionals, who are just doing a job like the rest of us. I am thus buying into one of the most common myths about foster care, which is that it’s something you do for money. In fact, pretty much any other pursuit, including selling lemonade and becoming a philosopher, is more profitable. Foster care is asking everything from a provider that one expects from a biological parent, only on time and with precise documentation.

Foster parents, I salute you.

Turns out, as I found on a little stroll through the search engines, there are quite a few myths about foster care out there. Some of them are probably preventing folks from becoming foster providers. That’s really too bad, ‘cuz we need ’em.

Here are some.

 

From this blog:

“MYTH: Most children in foster care are teenagers.

REALITY: The median age of children in foster care in the U.S. is eight. Almost 50% are over age 10, and an estimated 70% have siblings in foster care.”

Are older kids more “difficult?” Not necessarily. It means they are more likely to have had multiple foster placements and can sure use a stable home. There are a lot of resources and services available to assist with older kids and teens. Plus, no diapers!

 

MYTH: I have to stay at home to be a foster parent.

Umm, this is the 21st Century. People work. A foster parent is a regular human, and parenting is hard no matter what. You are allowed to live your life and drive kids to as many sports practices as you want. You can also get a babysitter (Solo comes out May 25th!).

 

From this site:

MYTH: Foster parents need to be parents themselves, and not too old.

You don’t need to have (or have had) biological children in order to be a foster parent. All you need is to want to parent. As a verb.

 

If you are in the least bit interested, there are a lot of resources out there. Here are some specific to Oregon. We have an overwhelming need in this state right now. You might find you’re more able, and ready, than you think.

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A Parent’s Search for Meaning

Viktor Frankl, in his influential book Man’s Search for Meaning, drew from his experience as a prisoner in the concentration camps at Auschwitz to assert (and I don’t think anyone would argue) that the way in which we approach our lives determines our ability to find fulfillment and purpose within it.

He writes, “What was really needed was a fundamental change in our attitude toward life. We had to learn ourselves and, furthermore, we had to teach the despairing men, that it did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life—daily and hourly. Our question must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.”

This conclusion is echoed by the Existentialist philosopher Albert Camus, who in his long-form essay The Myth of Sisyphus attempts to imagine what motivates the king from Greek mythology whose eternal punishment in the afterlife was to labor to push a huge boulder up a hill, near the peak of which it would inevitably slip through his hands and roll back down to the bottom. Camus argues that, when faced with even incredible, incomprehensible hardship (such as that lived by Frankl, above), we must use direct our free will to the conclusion that “The struggle itself […] is enough to fill a man’s heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.”

Finally, noted (to me, anyway) writer Jeremy Anderberg, in the great blog that everyone should read, The Art of Manliness, lists a few of the many character-building aspects of fatherhood before hitting on this discovery of meaning. He concludes:

“No matter your position in life — CEO, cubicle automaton, day laborer, stay-at-home dad, entrepreneur, freelancer, trade worker, unemployed — it’s very possible, perhaps even probable, that your greatest, most important role in life will be that of parent. Of provider. Of protector. Of wisdom-purveyor. What that looks like can vary widely from man to man, but have no doubt that raising and loving your children well is one of the most significant things you will do in life.”

Parenting, as you know, can be joyful and full of fun and mirth. It can also be grinding, harrowing, even absurd, and in the march of sleepless nights and seeming lack of evidence that our children are learning or even paying attention, it can be hard to find the motivation to be nurturing, patient, humble and persistent in our work. That’s when we must let the struggle be enough to fill our hearts. Unlike Sisyphus, however, we will experience the joy, the fun, the mirth, if not over this hill, then over the next, or the next.

A final thought, from Frank Pittman, author of Man Enough: Fathers, Sons, and the Search for Masculinity:

“These guys who fear becoming fathers don’t understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man. The end product of childraising is not the child but the parent.”

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On Chores: The Revenge

Howdy all! It’s time for my semi-annual update on chores.

I would like to remind you that this is only my family’s experience with trying out a system for chores, and that what worked (or didn’t work) for us may not apply to you. It’s a process.

If you look back at the earlier entries (which, by the way, automatically multiplies the value of this post!), you will see that my wife and I had decided to abandon the large whiteboard, with magnets representing each child that moved around the chores in age-appropriate fashion. We discovered that they liked to keep their own stable chores, so the next iteration was as follows:

“Instead of rotating chores, each child now had their own laminated sheet with a list of duties. They could mark them off as they went with a pen, or draw pictures around them, or pull them down and lose them under the sofa. Their choice!”

That was last year. Here’s how it has panned out.

They still like having their own lists. After choosing to lose them under the sofa several times, all four of my daughters have asked us to affix their list on a wall or door where they can see and/or notate it: the seven year-old has added “hug Mama.” I don’t know how that wasn’t in the first draft.

The seven year-old also can’t remember what’s on the list from day to day. Part of this, I think is the literacy bias, which posits that what is on the page is more important than what she perfectly well has in her motor memory by now (given that fully half of her chores consist of getting dressed and brushing her teeth and hair). Part of it is that she can’t actually read yet, so she has to check with someone every time she undertakes her chores.

Next time: pictures instead of words? That she can move from one side to the other with velcro? That sounds like a fabulous idea, but I will leave it to you crafty parents that I know are out there.

Anyway, there has been some revision of chores, and some elimination of redundancy. But for the most part, I think this system is working.

What works for you?

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