Giving kids responsibility

Research shows that having kids share in the responsibility of household chores can increase self-esteem, build their ability to delay gratification, and equip them to deal with frustration.  By helping out around the house, children learn valuable life skills, gain confidence, and build self-reliance, which can lead to greater success at school, work, and in relationships.

Says one blogger on children and chores, “Knowing that they contribute and are productive members of the family gives children an important sense of self-worth and belonging. Also, self-mastery (being able to do things for themselves) builds stronger self-esteem and leads to a more capable young person.”

They may grumble when asked to do chores, but research tells us that children actually feel happier when they make a meaningful contribution to the family.

Make it Easy for Kids to Help

The earlier you include kids in household chores, the less resistance you will get and the easier it is to keep them helping willingly. By creating a consistent routine that includes everyone pitching in, children are more likely to contribute without complaint.

Routines keep things predictable. Kids and grown-ups find comfort in knowing what to expect. Creating routines that include chores also reduces the likelihood of pushback when they are reminded of the things they are expected to help with.

Another way to make it easier for kids to help is by decluttering. Too much on a shelf, or stuffed into a drawer or a closet, can be overwhelming. When everything has its own place on the shelf, or in the drawer, and there is ample space between things, picking up and putting away is less stressful and easier to do. 

For the very youngest helpers, some preparation on our part will help them be successful even as they are still learning.  For example, even a toddler can be responsible for feeding the cat if we prepare a small container that holds the cat’s next meal in advance. Placing the pre-measured food on a low shelf means the toddler can feed the cat by taking the container to the cat’s dish and pouring the food into the dish.  

Two-year-old tantrums are often the result of frustration at not being allowed to do something they feel completely capable of accomplishing. 

True, we are all busy and sometimes it is hard to find the patience for waiting while they practice new skills. It is so much easier, and faster, to just do it ourselves.  We have years of experience putting on shoes and we know we will be out the door so much more quickly if we simply scoop up the child and the shoes and put their shoes on their feet for them. 

Waiting for our toddler, who is just learning to coordinate the movement of their hands with the movement of their feet will take more time. 

But planning ahead to allow more time – and having the patience to let them try – will result in a happier toddler as they experience the satisfaction of accomplishment while building their self-care skills with each new effort.

Children as young as 18 months can help pull clean clothes out of the dryer and into a laundry basket. With a little direction, toddlers can help put linens on a closet shelf, socks into their sock drawer, and dish towels into a kitchen drawer.

As children are learning to perform their chores, doing them together allows them to learn from you. Working as a team over time, the child can watch you perform a new chore, then begin to help with that task, and eventually will have had sufficient practice to take responsibility to do it independently. 

What can they help with? 

Here are just a few of the things that kids can be responsible for:

2-3 Years: Our youngest children can help us with our regular household chores. As we straighten a room, they can take a piece of trash to the wastebasket, use a dust cloth to help dust tabletops, take dirty clothes to the laundry hamper, help pull clean clothes out of the dryer, and learn to fold washcloths.

4-5 Years: Our older preschoolers can help with all of the above and they can take responsibility for setting and clearing the table, making their bed, matching and folding socks, wiping up spills, using a hand-held vacuum, preparing a simple snack, and helping with meal prep.

6-7 Years: All of the above, as well as emptying the dishwasher, putting groceries away, sweeping and vacuuming floors, dusting, folding towels, watering plants, raking leaves.

8-10 Years: Empty the trash, wash dishes, pack lunches, hang and fold clean clothes, weed the garden.

With a little planning, a lot of patience, and loads of encouragement we can help our kids on their road to independence with some well-timed responsibilities throughout their childhood.

Strengthening Adult Relationships

Our primary relationships – with our partners, our children, and our immediate family  bring us joy and enhance our life. Social connections are part of being human and our relationships with other adults offer important support. 

Social distancing during the pandemic has been hard on us all. It runs counter to our natural inclination and desire to spend time with others enjoying each other’s company and building relationships                                                           

That is because humans are social beings. We enjoy our adult relationships. Not only that, according to HarvardHealth, our social connections also contribute to our long-term health – in ways every bit as powerful as adequate sleep, a good diet, and not smoking. Dozens of studies have shown that people who have satisfying relationships with family, friends, and their community are happier, have fewer health problems, and live longer.

But it’s not always easy to find time for adult relationships. Our children and their needs keep us busy from the time our feet hit the floor in the morning until we stumble, exhausted, back into bed at night. 

But as challenging as finding the time for our friends can be, making time for our adult relationships can help us refuel and provide much-needed emotional support.

Tips for strengthening adult relationships

Here are a few ways to strengthen the adult relationships in your life.

Relationships with significant others/spouses

Spending time together is the number one way to build relationships. It’s easy to let our relationship with our partner take a back seat to all the logistics of family life, but being intentional about carving out time without the children, can go a long way to strengthening our relationships. The Gottman Institute recommends  six specific steps  you can take to strengthen your romantic relationship.

Relationships with siblings

Our siblings are the people who know us best and have been there as we’ve become adults. Says Janessa McQuivey, “In many families, sibling relationships make an abrupt shift when individuals enter young adulthood and leave the home. Some adult siblings find themselves spread across multiple states. Distance can be further complicated with differing life stages – college, work, marriage, and children. Many find they don’t spend as much time connecting with their siblings as they would like.”

She offers this tip for deepening sibling relationships later in life. “Little steps and deliberate moments of kindness can help siblings feel loved, have a greater desire to stay in touch, and lead to deeper, more satisfying relationships in years to come.” 

Relationships with childhood friends

Are there people you knew when you were younger that you’ve lost touch with? Take a little time to reach out. You may find you still have a lot in common.  Technology can facilitate friendship across long distances. When the pandemic started eliminating outside activities and keeping us at home, many people found time to initiate regular Zoom ‘happy hour’ gatherings with friends far and wide, virtually.

Making new friends

Parenting can be isolating. When we focus all of our attention on our children and their  schedules we may be missing opportunities to cultivate new friendships with other adults. Where can we find new friends? Here are just a few possibilities:

  • Be open to getting to know the other adults in the lives of your children’s friends and your children’s school. 
  • Be active with groups that engage in activities you enjoy (running club, biking club, the gym). 
  • Consider volunteering with an organization doing work you believe in. 
  • Participate in small group activities at church. 
  • Take a class through the local community ed organization. 
  • Join a PSN parenting class, where many participants form friendships that last for years after the formal class has ended.

The Parenting Success Network offers opportunities for parents with children of all ages to gather with others who are at similar stages of their parenting journey. Classes are offered continuously, with every class posted on the events calendar of the website.  Join us for a class today. You might just meet your new best friend as you strengthen both your parenting skills and your adult relationships. 

Nurturing Connection

Connection with others and a sense of belonging is a basic human need. Like air to breathe and food to eat, being in relationships with other people is part of being human. Feeling connected to others contributes to both our mental and physical health.

Brene Brown, in a conversation with Psychology Today said this of the importance of social connection, “A deep sense of love and belonging is an irresistible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.” 

The social distancing required through the pandemic has been hard on us all, both emotionally and physically. Studies have shown that isolation and lack of social connection can be as bad for our health as obesity, smoking, and high blood pressure.

It’s been hard. But there is hope. Says Dr. Emma Seppala, “Fear not! The good news is that social connection has more to do with your subjective feeling of connection than your number of friends. You could have 1,000 friends and still feel low in connection (thus the expression loneliness in a crowd) but you could also have no close friends or relatives but still feel very connected from within.

There are ways, even now, to nurture connection with others and support our children as they learn how to build social connections. 

Says Rebecca Thompson, in her book Nurturing Connection,Nurturing our relationship with our children is the heart and soul of consciously parenting. Nurturing relationships, once they are established, is really an art. It is about remembering that our children’s need for connection is a primary factor in most of their behavior. It is about recognizing that, in every parenting situation, we have choices about how we respond to our children and their behaviors. It is about seeing every parenting situation as an opportunity to create connection or disconnection.”

Nurturing connection is the topic of our next Nurturing Series workshop. We will explore how our early experiences shaped the way we relate to others and learn some effective strategies for helping children develop skills for deeper connections with others.

Family is the first experience children have with forming connections. As they enter school, peers and other adults offer more opportunities for connection. Albert Bandura, Professor Emeritus of Social Science in Psychology at Stanford University, studied social learning theory and looked at how children learn in social environments. Social Learning Theory says that by observing others and the consequences of their actions, children form opinions that affect their own choices. Children who observe others being rewarded for behavior are more likely to engage in that same behavior. Children who observe others being punished for behavior are less likely to exhibit the same behavior. Strong, supportive social connections provide the foundation for social learning.

To learn more about helping children develop skills for nurturing connection, join Dr. Aoife Magee online Wednesday, February 3rd at 6:30 pm. In this 2-hour virtual workshop, we will explore a strengths-based approach for nurturing connection with our children and supporting diverse families in our communities. To register, email poel@linnbenton.edu or call: 541-917-4899.

 

10 Fun Fall Activities for Families

10 Fun Fall Activities for Families

 

The temperature is lower, the air is crisper, and the leaves are turning colorful yellows, oranges, and reds. Autumn has arrived in the Willamette Valley. There are so many fun things to do this time of year. Pumpkin patches, apple pressing, playing in piles of leaves. We’ve rounded up a collection of 10 fun fall activities for your family to enjoy in this season of cooler weather.

1. Collect and press colorful leaves

Take the kids on a walk around the neighborhood to collect the prettiest fallen leaves. Help them choose leaves of many different shapes and colors. Back at home, set your iron to its lowest heat setting. Invite the kids to lay their leaves between two sheets of wax paper. Using an old utility towel between the wax paper and the iron, iron the leaves until the wax has melted and fused the two sheets together, encasing the leaves. Let cool, then hang them up or use them for fun placemats at the dinner table.

2. Cook stone soup together

Read the story of caring and sharing together, or watch an animated Stone Soup video. Then gather together in your kitchen to create your own ‘stone soup.’ Let the children choose which vegetables to add from staples already in your kitchen and see what deliciousness results. You can contribute herbs and spices and some soup stock to punch up the flavor.

3. Take a walk in the woods

Enjoy our cool (and wet) fall weather with a walk in the woods. Listen for the sounds of birds, check the creeks to see if they look different now than they did in mid-summer, smell the earthiness of the wet trees and path. Be sure to dress for the weather and have rainboots handy even it it isn’t raining, just in case you find a puddle worth stomping in.

4. Make some easy spooky crafts

Tissue ghosts require only a box of tissues and some string or thread. (Or even an elastic.) Wad a tissue up into a ball. Place it in the middle of a second tissue. Wrap the ball in the outer tissue and tie it together. Glue on some black construction paper eyes and a mouth, then use string to hang your ghosts for a festive decoration

Construction paper cats: Draw the outline of a sitting cat on a large piece of black construction paper. Let the kids cut along the drawn line. Then tape your black cat silhouette to the bottom of a window, Need some inspiration? Check here.

Paper plate Jack-o-lanterns: Using a paper plate and some black construction paper, invite the kids to color or paint the paper plate orange. (Or tear up orange construction paper and let them glue the pieces, mosaic style, to their paper plate to transform the white plate to orange.) Invite them to cut out circles and triangles, and glue them on the plate, jack-o-lantern style.

5. Bob for apples

 Have a family Halloween party. Who says you have to invite people over to have a party? Decorate one room of your house for the party, then enjoy familiar Halloween party games. Get dressed up in your favorite Halloween costumes, bob for apples, pin the hat on the witch, and enjoy cider and donuts. Make some Halloween themed bingo cards and enjoy a family game of bingo. (Don’t have the bandwidth to make the boards yourself? Print some here.

6. Pop some corn

And watch a “spooky” movie together. For younger kids pick something silly and fun rather than creepy or scary.

7. Paint some pinecones

Gather a few pinecones. Make them colorful with non-toxic paint. Hang them up for a colorful autumn decoration. Or fill a decorative bowl with them for a table centerpiece.6 Nature-Inspired "Boredom Buster" Crafts to do at home - Random Acts of  Green

8. Make a hanging bird feeder

Feed the birds with homemade birdseed ornaments to hang in the yard. Or stuff some pinecones with suet or peanut butter and then roll them in birdseed. Hang them in your yard to share with our feathered friends. (Bonus tip: hang them where kids can see them from a window and spend some time watching who comes to visit your new bird feeders.)

9. Make a scarecrow

Get as basic or extravagant as you want. Grab a worn out pair of pants and a long sleeve shirt. Tie the ends of the pant legs and shirt sleeves closed, then stuff them with leaves. Stuff the shirt tails into the waist of the pants and prop your scarecrow up against a tree, or sit him in a chair. Add a pumpkin head, or prop a cowboy hat over the neck of the shirt so it looks like his head is slumped in sleep. If you want him to stand, run a broomstick from the neck of the shirt down through the bottom of the pant leg. Tape construction paper features on the broom to make a face. 

10. Enjoy “spooky” stories around the firepit

Have a firepit in your yard? Build a fire, roast some marshmallows, and tell some age-appropriate ‘ghost’ stories while you enjoy sitting around the campfire.

 

Lynne Brown is a freelance writer, former Montessori teacher, and mom to seven amazing kids, some of whom now have kids of their own. She loves writing on parenting and early childhood education. You can learn more about her at www.lynnebrownwriting.com.

The Importance of Routines (especially now)

In Benton, Lincoln, and Linn County, Labor Day is where the summer schedule ends and the school year begins as school starts this week. After the free flow of July and August, settling back into a regular routine is comforting and reassuring. But this year has been anything but routine. Moving from summer to September in 2020 is no exception. Nothing has been routine about 2020.

Many of us will be starting the school year from home, just like we ended things last year. Will the habits we’ve formed being at home since March be difficult to overcome when school starts? A regular bedtime? What’s that? Rousing my three teens before lunchtime? Hasn’t happened in months.

And yet, we know the value of routines for children both big and little. Routine provides children with predictability and familiarity, helping them feel safe and confident. Especially in anxious times such as these, knowing what comes next and being able to count on that reassures our children.

A routine is simply a predictable pattern of activity. As adults we often structure our routines by the clock. We set an alarm for a certain time, we allow a set number of minutes for each task. We make appointments at specific times and allot a certain number of hours for various activities.

But for young children, more important than ‘what time’ is ‘what’s next.’ Following the same pattern of activity as we go about our days is more important than scheduling by the clock. For example, a simple morning routine might be: when we get up we use the bathroom, eat our breakfast, and then get dressed. Then we brush our teeth. Doing these tasks in the same order each day lets the child know that breakfast comes before dressing, reducing power struggles that can arise over something as simple as getting dressed. 

Another family may choose to dress first, then eat breakfast. And that’s the beauty of routines. You get to decide what works best for you and your kiddos. The importance of the routine is that once you decide, you stick with it. Even pre-verbal children can gain self-confidence and feel assured when their activities follow a predictable pattern. For older children, the habits formed in following a routine reduces conflict and builds independence.

As our children reach adolescence, routines can grow and change to prepare them for the independent living of adulthood. With much joy I noticed late last month that a routine at our house, established at least two years ago, has finally taken hold of my youngest. 

At some point in 2018 I resigned from my job as family laundress. I invited the kids, who were 10, 12, and 15 at the time, to take over washing their own clothes. My oldest, who was already in high school at the time, had no trouble doing her laundry each week. I never needed to mention it to her again.

My son and youngest daughter needed pretty regular reminders at first. But sometime in the last year, my son’s laundry started showing up in the washer and dryer without any reminders. And in this last month, the youngest, now almost 13, has not needed any prompting to take care of her dirty clothes. Not only do we have a working routine, but they have the confidence of knowing in this one small aspect, they are prepared for adulthood and living independently.

I’m looking forward to the start of school, even though they’ll be doing school from home. With school added to the schedule, we will establish some new routines. Maybe one that includes getting up before noon.

 

Lynne Brown is a freelance writer, former Montessori teacher, and mom to seven amazing kids, some of whom now have kids of their own. She loves writing on parenting and early childhood education. You can learn more about her at www.lynnebrownwriting.com.

LBCC Live & Learn Classes – Registration opens August 3rd!

Enjoy new songs, games and activities with your child.  Meet other parents and children in your community.  Learn how to support your child’s amazing development   Families can join at anytime if space is available.

In Live and Learn classes parents and their young children (birth – 5) learn and grow together.  There are several versions including Live and Learn with Your Baby, Live and Learn with Your Wobbler, Live and Learn with Your Toddler, Parents and Toddlers Together, Live and Learn with Two-Year-Old, Live and Learn with Your Preschooler and Live and Learn with Your Children. LEARN MORE >>

Japanese forest bathing

Last week our family hiked at Bald Hill. We had masks at the ready and were careful to socially distance from other hikers. We did the pasture loop, which is short, with a wide paved path that skirts around most of the hill. Despite forecasts of sunny, warm weather, it started to sprinkle as we left the car. 

The sprinkle turned to rain as we left the pasture for the trees, but after a bit it stopped. To be honest, the damp was about the only thing I noticed as we walked.

I’m kicking myself today, because we missed a magnificent opportunity to experience what in Japanese is called “shinrin-yoku”, or forest bathing.

Dr. Qing Li , author of Forest Bathing: How Trees Can Help You Find Health and Happiness, describes it like this, “In Japan, we practice something called forest bathing, or shinrin-yoku. Shinrin in Japanese means “forest,” and yoku means “bath.” So shinrin-yoku means bathing in the forest atmosphere, or taking in the forest through our senses.”

He explains, “This is not exercise, or hiking, or jogging. It is simply being in nature, connecting with it through our senses of sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch. Shinrin-yoku is like a bridge. By opening our senses, it bridges the gap between us and the natural world.”

The Japanese aren’t the only ones who have discovered the health benefits of communing with nature. There are many studies that have documented how spending time outdoors lowers stress for everyone and, among other things, improves concentration for children with ADHD. You’ll find details and some great links for more reading here

How to Forest Bathe

So how does one “forest bathe”? First, find a forest with even walking paths. You can go it alone, or join a walk led by a certified forest bathing guide.

Walk slowly and stop often. This is exactly what I neglected to do on our visit to Bald Hill. Take time to relax and to notice the environment. Spend time under the trees, soaking up the smells of the forest. Dr Li’s research has found that the chemicals released by the hinoki cypress tree boosts the immune system.

If there are places to sit quietly under the trees, take advantage of them. Listen to the sounds of the forest, observe the birds overhead, the plants growing on the forest floor, and insects scurrying along fallen branches and leaves.

Take a few slow, deep breaths and notice the smell of the forest. Those smells include the beneficial chemicals released by the trees.

Me, I’m wishing I’d been a bit more conscious of the world around me as I walked between those raindrops, trying to keep up with my energetic teens. 

How about you? Have you had an opportunity to spend more time outdoors this month?

 

Lynne Brown is a freelance writer, former Montessori teacher, and mom to seven amazing kids, some of whom now have kids of their own. She loves writing on parenting and early childhood education. You can learn more about her at  www.lynnebrownwriting.com.

 

Screen Time: Strategies for Plugging into Healthy Technology

Is there such a thing as ‘good’ screen time?

Is there such a thing as ‘good’ screen time?

We’ve all heard it – too much screen time can cause insomnia, social disconnection, even impact cognitive development.  As parents, we agonize over how much is too much. Should I be confiscating their phones and iPads? Limiting use of the wifi and TV?  Shutting down the video game console?

Actually, researchers say there are upsides to the technology era we live in.

Says Dr. Katherine M. Keyes, assistant professor of epidemiology at the Columbia University Mailman School of Public Health, “Video game playing is often a collaborative leisure time activity for school-aged children. These results indicate that children who frequently play video games may be socially cohesive with peers and integrated into the school community.  We caution against over interpretation, however, as setting limits on screen usage remains an important component of parental responsibility as an overall strategy for student success.” Dr. Keyes made her remarks following a study she conducted on the positive effects of video games on children.

Kara Loo, writing in the Huffington Post, notes seven different ways video games can help kids in school.  Among them, she cites development of critical thinking and reading skills. In her article she says, “Video games also hone spatial thinking, reasoning, memory, perception, and problem-solving — all which come in handy for a wide range of technical careers.”

So what is a parent to do?

The very best time to start thinking about screen time is early – before the age of 5.  The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends that children under the age of 18 months not have any screen time.  For 18 – 24-month-olds, they advise only high-quality programming that you watch with your child. For two-to-five-year-olds (preschoolers), the AAP says you should limit screen time to an hour per day.  

As you decide what is appropriate for your family, you can begin to talk about the use of technology and set expectations.  Conversations started when your child is young helps establish a pattern of communication about technology early on, which can reduce the likelihood of challenges when they are teenagers.

It is also a good idea to take a look at your own relationship with technology.  Very young children absorb much of what they know by observing their environment.  What are your children seeing when they watch how you use technology? How much are you on your phone?  What are your children learning from observing you?  

I was in Seattle over the summer.  We were hurrying down the street, with three hungry children in tow, anxious to get them fed.  Walking along one block, I noticed another family working their way down the same street. Dad was out front, with their older daughter.  Mom followed with the younger child in a stroller. Dad was holding his daughter’s hand with one hand and his cell phone to his ear with the other.  

I watched them walk the entire length of the block, he

deep in conversation, she beside him.  She glanced up at him every so often, but he never noticed. His eyes looked keenly ahead as he focused on the conversation he was having on the phone.  

It was only a moment in time.  Perhaps he’d told her before the phone call started that he’d be busy while they walked.  Maybe she was only checking to see if he was still busy. But I was struck by what he was missing as he pressed forward, unaware of the non-verbal communication from the child at his side.  

It’s easy to get caught up in the demands of our ever-present technology.  A quick check of incoming messages becomes a half-hour of email responses. Spending that free five minutes on social media becomes twenty or more.  

There is a lot of good in the technology we all have access to.  But we are also increasingly aware of the need for establishing boundaries around the time we spend with it.  As Geraldine Walsh exclaimed in an article in the Irish Times, “We need to disconnect and reassure children we value them above our devices.”  

Want to learn more?

For more information on the healthy use of technology, join us at the Old Mill Center on October 15th, 6:30 pm,  for a free parent workshop, “Strategies for Plugging Into Healthy Technology.”  Designed to help parents of young children (0-5) get off on the right foot, the workshop will be led by Richard Halpern, an educator with over 25 years of experience helping parents navigate the growing up years.

Workshop attendees will learn the initial steps to take to assure balance and control around the issue of screen time.  Halpern will help parents learn how to identify a good app or video and will provide resources you can take home and use immediately.

The workshop is free and open to the public. Free childcare will be provided.  Call 541-917-4884 to sign up and register for childcare.  

 

Ultimately, as parents, it is our goal to frame the conversation with our children so that as they grow they are educated and empowered to make healthy choices.  “Plugging into Healthy Technology” will add tools to your parenting tool kit that will help your family have a healthy and empowered relationship with technology.

 

Lynne Brown is a freelance writer, former Montessori teacher, and mom to seven amazing kids, some of whom now have kids of their own.  You can learn more about her at www.lynnebrownwriting.com.

 

6 Ways to lower back-to-school anxiety

Back to school stress can begin even before the school year starts.  What has become our summer routine will quickly be replaced with the demands of a new school year.  This impending change can increase anxiety levels in children and parents alike. 

Here are six quick tips for reducing the tension in your house as everyone gets used to the new ‘normal’ for this school year.

  1. Get into a routine

During big transitions like the first weeks of school in a new class, use predictable routines for the beginning and end of each day to help lower stress.  Routines are reassuring, for children and adults alike. Knowing what needs to be done, and doing that in the same order each day, adds a rhythm to each morning and evening.  We can do it without investing anxious thought and worry in the routine tasks of each day. Very young children gain confidence in themselves when they know they can predict what comes next.

  1. Make time for downtime

Especially during the first two weeks of school, give everyone time to just do nothing.  Consider saving the ‘back to school celebration dinner out’ for later in the month and let your overwhelmed students just veg out at home during these first few weeks of adjustment. 

  1. Stick to the Sleep schedule

Help children get enough sleep by setting appropriate bedtimes.  Begin the bedtime routine early enough that getting to bed isn’t rushed.  Children who are well-rested will have an easier time coping with the stressors of their day.

4.Limit screen time and encourage physical exercise  

Exercise helps prepare the body for better sleep.  Instead of starting a video, take a walk together as a family after dinner. Set a digital curfew each evening to help everyone move into a more restful and sleep-receptive state.  The earlier the better, but experts recommend we step away from our devices at least 30 minutes before bedtime.  A great alternative to winding down in front of a screen is a good old fashioned printed book, read by the light of a table lamp.

  1. Lower your expectations

We all want to have everything ready for the big change of a new school year.  But consider putting off some of the preparation. Yes, you will need a new supply of long pants and long sleeve shirts, but can it wait until early October?  You want everyone to skip off to school gleefully each day, but some days they are more likely to shuffle – or stomp – out the door. Let it go. Give them a hug and a smile anyway, and maybe a little encouragement to go forth and make it a great day.

  1. Put a positive spin on it 

Help anxious children see the upside when they express their fear with comments like, “I don’t want to go back to school.”  Remind them that they will see friends they haven’t seen all summer. Ask them what they are looking forward to the most. Help them see that starting something new can also be exciting.  Just smiling – even if you don’t feel happy – releases endorphins that will make you feel better.  

This time of year often means heightened anxiety at home.  Look for ways to lower the stress of back-to-school at home, so your kids can take their best selves into their new classrooms.  Less anxiety means they will be more open and receptive to the learning their teacher has planned for them.  

Take a deep breath. In a few short weeks, we can look back and congratulate ourselves on settling into our new school year routine. 

 

Lynne Brown is a freelance writer, former Montessori teacher, and mom to seven amazing kids, some of whom now have kids of their own.  You can learn more about her at www.lynnebrownwriting.com.

Helping Kids Cope

Disappointments and difficulties are a part of life. Economic circumstance, political upheaval, and family dynamics can create hardship and adverse life circumstances for children and their families. Sometimes children and families also experience truly traumatic events.

How do we – and our children – cope with both everyday difficulties and larger life trauma?  How can we help our children learn coping skills? Research examines resilience – the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties – in an effort to answer those questions.  

Over the last two decades numerous research studies have examined psychological resilience in children, looking to identify the special traits or skills that help children navigate difficult circumstances and overcome adversity.  Surprisingly, what they found is that it is not special traits or skills that help people who cope well with adversity. Instead, people who develop resilience call on the normal coping mechanisms available to us all.

What studies have found is that the key to helping kids learn how to cope turns out to be many of the same things that help kids grow up well: effective parenting, connections with competent and caring adults, self-regulation skills, a positive view of themselves, and the motivation to succeed.

Thus, everyone has the capacity for resilience.  Parents help support their children’s development – including developing their ability to cope – right from the beginning. Young children begin developing resilience as they learn from the responses of their caregivers.

Parents, with the support of other caring family members and community members, can help their children become more resilient through everyday interaction and role modeling. Parents who model resilience – demonstrating self-regulation in the face of disappointment or talking about how they “bounced back” from a setback – help children learn how to cope with disappointments in their own lives.  

Lizzy Francis offers a number of parenting strategies that support the development of resilience with these tips from Amy Morin, author of the book 10 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do:

“Supporting struggling children is important, but the best way parents can teach resilience is by modeling it. Acting cool-headed in the face of stress and acknowledging mistakes provides children with a rubric for failure. Failing, they learn, is not the end of the world. It’s just part of being alive.

Here are the specific suggestions that Morin gives parents looking to teach by doing….

  • Don’t Intervene All The Time
    “When your child is struggling — if, say, his blocks keep tipping over and he’s getting angry, don’t swoop in and do it for them,” says Morin. In other words, practice restraint. It’s easy to step in and help soothe your kid. But letting them struggle helps them learn that they can solve their own problems.
  • Own Up To Your Mistakes
    Parents, per Morin, should actively apologize to their children when they make mistakes, like if they snap at them, or are late to pick them up. “Pointing out what you did wrong — if you didn’t handle your anger very well, or said something that wasn’t very nice — explain what happened, without making an excuse. And then you explain how you will learn from the problem and fix it,” suggests Morin. This, she says, teaches kids that making a mistake is fine, as long as you apologize and learn from them.
  • Examine Their Feelings
    You want to acknowledge a child’s feelings and tell them that their feelings matter,” says Morin. “That makes a big difference in whether they perceive if their feelings are okay, that it’s okay to be scared and still do something anyway.” Letting your kid know that their feelings are legitimate — but that they don’t have to inform their behavior at all times, like, say, when a playground scuffle breaks out — is essential.
  • Audit Your Behavior
    Kids are always watching. Per Morin, it’s essential for parents to think about how they act in moments of daily stress and try to do better. “When you’re dealing with an annoying situation, like the long line at the grocery store, and you’re tired, and you’re hungry, how do you handle it? Are you complaining? Are you staring at your phone? Your kids are watching how you cope with your emotions,” says Morin.

In other words: by being a resilient adult, you teach your kids how to react to moments of stress.”

Parents can also help build resilience by taking care of themselves.  Self-care makes you better equipped to parent and better able to meet everyday challenges.

And good parenting has protective power for children in difficult circumstances.  As does strong, supportive connections with other adults – teachers, mentors, neighbors, and family friends.  For children and teens, relationships with other adults help foster a positive view of themselves and encourages motivation to succeed.

A resilient child has:

  • The capacity to make realistic plans and take steps to carry them out.
  • A positive view of themself and confidence in their strengths and abilities.
  • Skills in communication and problem solving.
  • The capacity to manage strong feelings and impulses.

(https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/road-resilience)

Luckily these are all skills that can be developed at any stage of life.  As parents, we can help our children learn these skills and behaviors. As community members, neighbors, scout leaders, and sports coaches, we can mentor and support the children in our community as they develop their own resilience.

For more tips on helping your children develop the ability to cope with adversity, join us at the 6th annual PSN Speaker event on Monday, May 20th.  Dr. Ann Masten will be presenting “Ordinary Magic”, a look at building resilience in children.

The event will be held at the Linn Benton Community College, Tripp Theatre, LBCC Albany Campus, 6500 Pacific Blvd. SW, Albany.  Doors open at 6:30. Free childcare is provided by reservation – call 541-917-4884 to reserve your spot.